they need to just BURY HIM!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
