I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
