i just wanna soil my oats bro
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
