If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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