Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
