Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
