I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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