When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
