I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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