On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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