My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
