My Higher Power is John Stamos
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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