i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize