Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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