I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize