My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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