My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
