we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
