I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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