i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
