I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
