I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
