I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
