Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
