I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
