sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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