My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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