the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
