he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
