You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
