Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
