I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
im six kinds of drunk right now
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
