dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
