he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My ass is underappreciated
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
