Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
