Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
