there's paper in my vomit.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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