I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
