dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
