cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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