May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
These tits shall not be calmed
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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