she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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