mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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