Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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