I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
