My liver just broke up with me...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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