I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize