How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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