If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
