Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize