If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
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