So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
