no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
