That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
