She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
