I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize