She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
