The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
