life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
