I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
