forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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