I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
