you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
